Run and Hide

Drama....I hate it. I don't like being in it, I don't like hearing about it but of course I always seem to get involved somehow.

First, work just sucks. Plain and simple. I need a vacation, but of course Asshole 1 and Asshole 2 said I don't get on this year...ugh. Everyone in there is driving me crazy, with all their "he said" "she said" bullshit. Everyday there is something new, and I get told about everything. Ugh! I don't care, honestly leave me alone about it.

Second, stupid people. My nephews step mother and ex-step dad are like lovers or something and are in co-hoots with each other trying to get my nephew taken away from my sister and for her never to see her daughter. By making up shit that my nephew touched my niece wrongly. How fucking sick are these people? Just because you hate the adult why are you taking it out on the children? Are you that pathetic that you have to resort to this type of behavior? Seriously, the one bitch is almost 30 and she is acting like a 15 year old. Its sad, very sad. I'm ashamed to call them humans.

And lastly, trying to find time to manage between friends and family. If i dont spend a certain amount of time with one person or more with another I get shamed. Its sad. I have a family of my own to take care of, I won't pawn off my kid just so I can act like a kid and go party. Ugh. I hate being caught in the middle of things.

I'm Done!

Just fucking done with it all! How dare he treat me like some common slave wench for him. Fucking asshole! I am so sick of it! He is bi-polar or something more to the extreme, I just know it. I get flipped out on about every little thing. I'm tired of it!

I try and I try so hard to make everything work, and it always falls through because of him. Even after his bi-polar/psycho episodes, you know he has never once apologized for them? Or for anything he had said? How fucked up is that!? Seriously.

I'm just beyond upset. I'm tired of working my ass to the bone, trying to be a good wife and mother and just to be treated like this! I want to just leave, run away from it all and never look back. But of course this is the real world, life is never simple or nice. Running away makes even more problems, honestly though. If that meant not dealing with him anymore with his episodes I'd be more than happy to pack my bag.

Things Go Unseen

How is it, that the little things or even some big things you change or may show about yourself is seen more by strangers, or co-workers, but not your own spouse?

Is being in a house every day, all the time, putting a danper on what they will and will not notice about you? Does it take to much effort to just look up and take a look? It seems so.

Compliments, that is one thing my hubby lacks on bad. There is alot of times I feel ugly, stupid and even dirty in his eyes. I hate it! I try doing extra small things just to show I love you, but I get nothing, not even a "thanks" in return.

Whats worse, is when you are both working all the time, and you think the times I would try to doll myself up for him, he would take notice. Nope. Its like another day, like I'm sitting in track pants and a teeshirt. Although at work or around others I get complimented all the time.

Its embarrassing but the guys at work so more attention to me than he does. Even if we are just joshin around, but still. They are seeming to take that second to look. I guess I'm just an attention whore, I'm expecting way to much.

I think I need to stop reading into it so much. I love him, he loves me. But sometimes just saying it isn't enough you know? I don't care for fancy things, or even to buy me something, but a "hey babe, you look great today. or hey thanks for washing my work clothes for me" simple things.

I ask for more than I will get, I just need to come to terms with that.

For A Friend Named "J"

Have you ever had certain people in life that offered you to take a different road, but because say of other people you chose not to go down it? I know we all have at some point or another.

I thought about it today after seeing this old friend, lets call him "J". Him and I had gotten close when my now hubby was my then boyfriend had broke up. I loved hanging and talking with J, he was so unlike others I could really related to him. Still fresh off a break up, I didn't want to seem like some silly whore and just go for him no matter how much I had fancied him.

Well sadly for me, I ended up sharing this information with a girlfriend of mine, and after telling her his name. She had heard of him, and I'm guessing it wasn't good, because then I was told I shouldn't talk with him let alone date him, I felt like I should listen, since she was older and had been through more in her life than I. So I listened.

I can still remember the night he tired to kiss me after that, I felt so horrible. I wanted to but I replayed what my girlfriend had said to me and I made up some lame excuse. Leaving a good friendship in the dirt and didn't look back.

Now don't get me wrong, my life turned out for the best. I have an amazing man I love and I'm proud to call my husband and the most wonderful son. I don't think I would have had any of that if I didn't listen to my friend. And after seeing what has become of J and his happiness, I know I made the right choices.

Sometimes though after seeing someone that put you in one of those fork in the road moments you can't help but let your mind wander to what could have happened if I chose not to listen. Would things still be the same now, or would everything I've know to be my life these last 3 years be completely gone?

I'm guessing with what brought these feelings on, I still feel bad. I just shunned him. I was rude to someone who was kind and caring towards me. And I treated them like crap, but in the end I will get over it. You can't be nice to everyone and still get what you want now can you?